What to do if the child does not want to go to kindergarten. I don't want to go to kindergarten! What will the psychologist say?

And now the moment has come when diapers, constant monitoring of the baby at home and on playgrounds, endless “handling” are a thing of the past - the child already knows a lot on his own, clearly explains what he wants, and in general it’s time for the mother to go to work, and the baby should go to kindergarten. In theory, this course of events usually does not raise any particular objections among children, although there are children who initially categorically disagree with attending kindergarten. In practice, everything is much more complicated, and there are many options for developing the situation.

At the initial stage, due to a sudden change in the situation, many children refuse to go to kindergarten. Usually, after a period of adaptation, this reluctance and the accompanying bad mood and tears disappear, and the baby goes to kindergarten, if not with pleasure, then at least without any incidents. And suddenly one day the child declares in one form or another that he will no longer go to kindergarten. A child's unexpected refusal to go to kindergarten often confuses parents. To understand how parents should act correctly in this situation, it is important to find out the cause of the “rebellion” and solve the problem yourself or with the help of a psychologist.

Psychological unpreparedness of the baby. All parents, to the best of their ability, try to prepare their child for the coming changes, but mothers and fathers should remember that psychologically the child is ready to attend kindergarten at the age of 3 years. Even at 2 years old, a baby can do many things on his own (has the necessary skills), but he is not psychologically ready to separate from his mother until he is 3 years old. An expressed desire to play with other children appears after 2.5 - 3 years, but even with the baby’s need for group games, separation from the mother must occur gradually, so it takes a fairly long period of time. Until the age of 3, a child needs close, emotionally rich communication with his mother, and a sudden disruption of this connection leads to psychological trauma for the little person. Children of this age do not yet have friendship in the understanding of adults; children’s relationships are situational; in most cases they play side by side, not together, and easily change play partners. The main communication for a baby occurs within the family circle, and at this stage of development the baby only occasionally needs to communicate with other people. Even if, for objective reasons, the mother is forced to send the baby to kindergarten before the age of 3, it is important to take into account that this is contrary to the will and needs of the child, so adaptation to kindergarten will take a long time, be problematic and not always successful. The baby may well lose the skills of independent behavior that he had before kindergarten and begin to constantly cling to his mother with a “death grip”. At the same time, it is important to remember that parents should focus not on age indicators, but on a specific person with his or her characteristics - if a child under 3 years of age had “enough” mother, and the child has no fear of suddenly losing her, by the end of the second year of life the child will gradually begin to separate psychologically from the mother and can be sent to kindergarten. However, all children develop differently, and for some this period begins earlier, and for others later.
Constantly present stress. A child torn out of his usual circle is immersed for the whole day in a noisy group with its own rules and requirements, which often contradict the child’s habits. A new environment, strange adults who demand obedience (unlike the mother, who do not adapt to the mood and desire), noise and inability to privacy, constant contact with other children (yes, nature did not provide for the baby’s constant interaction with children who are not members of the family) - all these factors can cause stress in the baby and reluctance to go to kindergarten.
Changing your daily routine, eating and sleeping during the day. Lack of sleep is a fairly common reason for reluctance to go to kindergarten. Morning dissatisfaction, hysteria and rebellion are not associated with the kindergarten as such, but with the reluctance to wake up, leave a warm bed and make an often tedious journey (not everyone is lucky enough to have a kindergarten near their home). In this case, the child who is scandalous and protesting in the morning will be quite happy with life by the time you return from work - you can find him playing with the children and not at all eager to go home. The protest may also be related to the food that the child is forced to eat in kindergarten. Children in preschool age are often very conservative when it comes to food - everyone has their favorite and least favorite dishes, but kids also prefer their mother’s cuisine, and if the cutlet is “not like mom’s,” they don’t want to eat it. But teachers usually don’t allow you to sort it out, and the child is forced to choke on his unloved semolina porridge. The protest may also be caused by the need to sleep during the day - after three years, many children no longer need daytime sleep, and at home they are no longer sent to bed. The kindergarten does not leave freedom of choice in this regard, and lying quietly for a long time and doing nothing is boring.
Lack of necessary self-care skills. A child who does not know how to dress himself or eat carefully often causes discontent from teachers and ridicule from more independent children. In addition, a child who is not sufficiently prepared for kindergarten often communicates his needs through whims, which also hinders the establishment of relationships with the team.
Problems with teachers. Although if a toddler does not want to go to kindergarten, parents often suspect the teacher of a negative and biased attitude towards the child, teachers can be quite restrained and friendly. The situation may be related to boredom - since there are usually many children in a group, teachers do not have the opportunity to work with children individually, and the activities carried out do not interest the child. This problem occurs in children who experience cognitive (cognitive) hunger and require constant activity. Sometimes in kindergartens, classes with children are monotonous and are carried out “for show,” turning into monotonous and uninteresting work for a child who wants to explore the world. There are also educators who are biased towards some children - the “disgraced” child is rarely praised, but they do not forget to scold for the slightest deviation from the rules and requirements, and the child himself is not always to blame for the current situation (the attitude towards the child may depend on the attitude towards you) .
Conflicts with children in the group. The initial cause of the conflict may be toys that are not shared or quarrels that arise during play - children at the age of three are not yet able to express their emotions and thoughts, so they try to solve the problem from a position of strength (take it away, break it) or by screaming and crying. Older children are already trying to find a common language with their peers and can express their thoughts clearly, but before the age of 6, a child is not able to fully comprehend even his own emotions, and as a result, he is dismissive of the emotions and desires of others. If educators and parents pay attention to correcting children’s behavior patterns, these conflicts quickly fade away and relationships between children normalize. In such cases, your heir’s refusal to go to kindergarten is a temporary phenomenon. However, there are situations when a child is teased systematically - the child may have some features of appearance or behavior, because of which almost the entire group can tease him. In such cases, the refusal to attend kindergarten is categorical, and protest manifests itself regularly.
Change of teacher or kindergarten itself. Since caregivers spend a significant part of the child’s life, the child may become attached to the “kind” teacher and protest against her leaving. Changing preschool institutions also has a negative impact on the child (if it is not caused by conflicts in the old kindergarten) - the child misses his familiar surroundings and environment, and he still has to establish relationships in the new group.
In the kindergarten you have chosen, the teachers are not prepared for the peculiarities of the baby. There are hyperactive and hypersensitive children, slow kids and children with other characteristics. When such children are in the same group, educators are forced to constantly organize the process of games, sleep and activities, taking into account the different needs of team members. This makes the teacher’s work much more difficult and affects the attitude towards the child, whose behavior deviates from the behavior of the majority.

In addition to these fairly common reasons for refusing to attend kindergarten, there are more rare reasons related to the characteristics of the child himself or the situation in the family. The reason may be related to specific events that are or will be held in the kindergarten. A child may refuse to go to kindergarten on the day of the rehearsal for the upcoming matinee because he was not given the role he wanted, or he is embarrassed to perform. The reason may be completely unexpected - I didn’t manage to fasten my beautiful shoes before a dance class, I didn’t manage to make an appliqué, or it didn’t turn out as beautiful as Masha’s - I won’t go on the day of the dance or certain classes.

Problems in the family can also affect the child’s desire to attend kindergarten - morning protests in the form of tears and screams can serve as a cover for the child’s deeper experiences arising from quarrels between parents, family loss, etc.

It is also important to take into account that a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten may depend on the internal mood of the parents - before the first visit to kindergarten, parents quite often discussed their concerns about the kindergarten and its impact on the child, or the parents themselves had negative memories of going to kindergarten. Parents subconsciously seem to tell the child: “kindergarten is a terrible place, but you need to go there.” Naturally, the child does not want to go to a “terrible place” and resists in every possible way. The same unconscious reaction of protest arises if parents try to quickly send their child to kindergarten, because he is “already big and should”, “everyone went, they took me, you shouldn’t be capricious,” etc. Parental pressure disrupts the child’s emotional state, he experiences anxiety and the need to “hide” in a safe place - at home.

How can protest manifest itself?

At first glance, it seems that parents always immediately notice when a child does not want to go to kindergarten, but in practice the situation may look different. Problems are immediately noticeable only when the baby protests openly.

This protest can look different:

A child may communicate his reluctance to go to kindergarten in the morning in a calm manner, returning home from kindergarten with you or going to bed. This form of protest usually occurs if a conflict situation has arisen in the group, but it is not systematic. In this case, the problems that have arisen for the baby are worth discussing, but you should not focus too much on the situation - after a while the baby will not remember this trouble and his mood will change.
The child reports an unwillingness to go to kindergarten every day; the process of getting ready for kindergarten is accompanied by violent emotions (screaming, sobbing), and even hysterics are possible. In this case, the mother must react instantly - forcing the baby in such a situation is pointless, since the next day you will have to observe the same picture. If everything was fine before and the child calmly got ready in the morning, then there is some reason for this change in behavior, and if the reaction is too violent, the problems will not resolve on their own.

An open form of protest exhausts parents - mom or dad are sometimes late for work and often feel sadistic (often mom remembers how her beloved baby shed burning tears when parting, and dad also feels remorse because of the spanking that he had to give to the screaming and stubborn heir). But much worse are those cases when a child expresses protest in a hidden form. In such cases, parents are forced to guess about the baby’s reluctance to go to kindergarten, and before they understand this, some time will pass. Accordingly, helping a child solve his problems is much more difficult.

Hidden protest can be expressed:

In daily silent sabotage. The baby does not scream or cry in the morning, but constantly stalls for time using all available methods, and as a result, everyone everywhere is late or rushes headlong to kindergarten and work. The mother angrily tells the child that he is a “hobby”, but he gets ready for a walk or other places interesting to the child much faster.
Inventing excuses to skip kindergarten. Parents receive an offer to “leave him with grandma”, they hear about bad weather and that “you can’t go anywhere on such a day”, a mother may suddenly find out that she has a day off or that the baby has pain “arm-leg-stomach-head”.
In a bad mood in the morning. The child looks offended or depressed, and on the way to kindergarten he can barely crawl, but when his mother comes to pick him up, he is cheerful and skips home.
In bad “reviews” about the kindergarten. If a child draws a kindergarten, his drawing is painted mainly in dark shades (a lot of black), and role-playing games on the theme of the kindergarten are accompanied by an image of some kind of conflict.
Lack of appetite and sleep disturbances (some children may develop enuresis).

To solve the problem of visiting kindergarten in any form of protest, the reason that caused the child’s reaction must be established.

What parents should not do if their child does not want to go to kindergarten

All parents were children once, and many of them were taken to kindergarten. It is no secret that in our family life we, in one form or another, reproduce the model of behavior that we saw in childhood. This is why many parents make certain mistakes that do not solve the problem, but aggravate it (of course, these mistakes are made unconsciously, but problems can only be truly solved by eliminating their causes).

To help a child in a difficult situation, parents need:

Do not show your anxiety about the baby’s reluctance to go to kindergarten.
Never scare your child with kindergarten (“if you don’t obey, you’ll go to kindergarten”).
Never deceive him. If you promised to pick up your baby at a certain time, you need to make sure to keep your promise.
Do not give in to persuasion and various manipulations (if a child persuades you not to leave him alone in the group, feigns illness, etc., and you follow his lead, various manipulations in order to get what he wants will be the norm for him).
Do not criticize teachers, nannies and the kindergarten itself in front of the child.
Do not take radical actions (do not immediately quarrel with teachers, do not punish the child and do not immediately refuse kindergarten).

How to find out the reason for a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten

Even in a conversation with an adult, finding out the true reason for his behavior is not always easy, and in a situation with a small child it is even more difficult. Even if the baby protests violently, the reason for the protest remains unknown, and it is often difficult for a little person to answer a direct question.

In such a situation, parents should:

Ask your child how his day went and, if necessary, ask leading questions. It is important to clarify whether there were any quarrels with other children, whether teachers scolded him, etc. If the conflict occurred long before your arrival (and time passes much more slowly for children), the child does not always say something like “Misha offended me” when meeting you, but during the conversation this information will come up.
Ask the teacher about your baby and his behavior in kindergarten. Even if it seems to you that the reason is the teacher’s incorrect behavior, there is no need to immediately make complaints against him. In the process of calm and polite communication, it will be easier for you to understand the big picture and, with adequate communication, suggest how best to deal with your child in certain situations.
Discuss with other parents how their children behave in the morning. If your child in the group is not the only one going to kindergarten in tears, you need to find out the reasons for children’s protests together with teachers at a parent-teacher meeting.
Invite the child to draw a kindergarten (the child can be helped, but he must choose the colors for the drawing himself). If the drawing is in joyful, bright colors, the cause of morning scandals should be sought at home, with your family, or by adjusting your sleep and rest patterns. In the case when the drawing looks gloomy, offer the baby a role-playing game “in kindergarten” - during the game the baby will reproduce the situations that he observes in reality. Important: make sure that during the drawing process the baby has paints or pencils of all shades (children often paint monochromatic “canvases” of dark brown shades because the paints are dirty, they have run out of yellow or green, etc.).
Pay close attention to the results of the classes conducted in the kindergarten. If your little one can’t cope with tasks and feels inferior because of this, work with him additionally at home.

What do we have to do

The actions of parents depend on the specific situation and on the reason why the child does not want to go to kindergarten.

If reluctance to go to kindergarten arose during the first visits, the child needs to be helped to adapt. Of course, there are children who themselves want to go to kindergarten and adapt well there - even on the first day of visiting kindergarten, the mother leaves without any tears and takes an absolutely satisfied child from kindergarten. But in most cases, everything looks different - the child, completely satisfied with the new impressions, is absolutely not ready for a long separation from his mother, and already on the second day of kindergarten the tears begin. In order for the child to more easily adapt to new conditions, it is recommended to bring the daily routine closer to the daily routine in kindergarten, encourage games with other kids during walks, and, if possible, arrange an excursion to your future kindergarten. On the first day, leave your child for only an hour or two, and gradually increase the time he spends in kindergarten. It is better to pick up the baby at the initial stage when he himself wants it.
In the case where the reason for refusing to go to kindergarten is food that is unusual for the child or the need to sleep during the day, you need to talk to the teacher. Not every mother at home forces her toddler to finish everything, and we can talk for a long time about the quality of food in the kindergarten (semolina porridge with lumps or too thick, the child is not used to gravy, he does not like casserole at all, etc.). But teachers don’t like it when children sit over their plate for hours or refuse to eat at all, and the poor child is forced to choke on an unloved dish or stay at the table until he finishes. Ask the teacher if it is possible not to pour the gravy for your child (replace jelly with tea, etc.), if it is possible to give him a sandwich instead of a casserole, and explain that there is nothing wrong with your child not finishing the soup, no. You are firmly convinced that the baby will not die of hunger and will eat as much as he wants, you just don’t need to force him if he refuses. With daytime sleep, the situation looks a little more complicated - in our kindergartens there are many children and few nannies and teachers, so teachers are not ready to separately deal with your awake child. If you can’t pick up your baby before bedtime, ask the teacher to allow your baby to draw quietly or look at books while lying down. At the same time, do not forget to explain to the baby that during the daytime sleep you need to be quiet, since other children are sleeping. As a last resort, simply ask not to demand that you close your eyes and sleep - this is also a compromise solution between the requirements of the teacher and the desires of the child.
If your child requires constant care, gradually develop self-care skills in a playful way. Of course, it is necessary to teach a child to be independent even before kindergarten, but not all children have equally well-developed fine motor skills. If the baby copes with a spoon and clasps, but he does this for a long time, work with him at home to develop fine motor skills (finger games, modeling, fiddling with small objects, etc. contribute to this). If self-care skills are insufficient, try to simplify your child’s life - choose practical and comfortable clothes without a bunch of fasteners and ties. It is better to choose models with buttons located on the front - they are easier for a child to handle than buttons. It is advisable to choose skirts and pants with elastic, and it is better to choose shoes with Velcro fasteners.
If a child refuses to go to kindergarten because of a specific teacher, the current situation needs to be clarified as much as possible. A teacher may treat children well and have a conflict with your child for some specific reason. In this case, it is important to establish a constructive dialogue with the teacher and try to solve the problem together (your aggressive or ingratiating behavior will only aggravate the conflict, so a polite exchange of opinions is important). In the case where the teacher is aggressive towards children, to solve the problem you should team up with other parents - a collective statement always has more weight than an individual one. Parents with a complaint should contact the kindergarten administration. If other parents have no complaints against the teacher, the teacher does not make contact with you, and you are sure that he really does not behave well towards your child, you will have to change the group or kindergarten.
Conflicts with peers are an inevitable “growing pain,” and the desire to protect the baby from insults and disappointments is a natural desire of a mother who forgets that her baby may also not be a victim, but an initiator of conflict. In children of the second or third year of life, both friendship and conflicts are situational in nature, and it is not worth directly interfering in a quarrel between children that happened without you. Instead, tell your child how to behave correctly in a variety of situations. Teach your child to exchange toys with other children during play, tell him what to do if another child behaves aggressively, etc. Older children can tease and call each other names for reasons (carelessness, unusual appearance, etc.) or for no reason (getting off on the wrong foot), and the teasers “stick” to children who react painfully to such behavior. The advice “don’t be offended” is not effective; in this case, rhyming “excuses”, known to us from childhood (“who calls you names, calls you that yourself,” “call them names, call them names, swell up like a frog,” etc.) will be more effective. At the same time, it is important to help the child feel successful - demonstrating some of the child’s abilities or achievements to peers often radically changes their attitude (here you will need the help of a teacher). If there are speech defects, take your child to a speech therapist. Don't forget to also pay attention to your child's self-care skills and appearance, thus eliminating the possibility of ridicule.

If your child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten because of a specific event, help your child prepare for it and feel confident.

If you don't get enough sleep, adjust your daily routine.

When should a child be left at home?

If a child has been going to kindergarten for a sufficient period of time, but he has not been able to adapt to it, visiting the kindergarten will have to be postponed for a while. Yes, the baby can be very independent and have all the necessary skills, but psychologically he is not ready for kindergarten (or rather, for parting with his mother for the whole day).

In addition, very sensitive and emotional children feel uncomfortable in a noisy children's group. Such kids need a friendly atmosphere and a calm environment.

A sensitive child must be gradually accustomed to children's groups by attending various developmental classes, clubs and playgrounds.

If the child is hysterical, it is necessary to show him to a psychologist or psychotherapist and temporarily leave him at home (you can return to kindergarten after solving the problem).

Sometimes, if possible, you can leave a child at home who is simply tired of going to kindergarten, but you should not do this regularly if you are still determined to attend kindergarten.

In any case, it is important to remember that the child is not just capricious, but is trying to adapt to a specific situation, and you can solve the problem only by carefully analyzing all the existing circumstances.

Sometimes the screams are supplemented by plaintive moans about the fact that the precious child has a stomach ache, a headache, and is generally sick of the garden. Literally and figuratively. And in more severe cases, the child’s temperature actually rises, abdominal pain appears and chronic diseases worsen.

What to do in such a situation? First, figure out why your baby won’t agree to join the children’s group at any cost. And there may be several reasons for this.

Lifestyle change

Children are the greatest conservatives in the world. It is only at first glance that it seems that they are constantly striving for new adventures and impressions. In fact, the usual rhythm, when they know exactly how one event replaces another, is order and calm in their lives. And here - in the morning, your mother takes you to an unfamiliar aunt, where, besides you, your beloved, there are a lot of other children, she leaves you there to fend for themselves and it is unknown whether you will ever see her again. In the garden, everything is alien – and, probably, that’s why it’s hostile.

Exit

Gradually accustom your baby to a change in routine. If he is used to going to bed late and getting up late, you will have to carefully transfer the baby to an earlier rise. This is not scary at all; the regime change occurs within 3-4 days.

When your lifestyle changes dramatically, it is important to preserve a “piece of home” for your child. The best option is if you can agree with the head and teacher that you can be present in the group with your child during the first week. By the way, in many kindergartens such agreements are practiced on a completely official basis, and in Waldorf kindergartens the teachers themselves persistently ask the mother to be in the group with the child for at least ten days.

If for some reason this is not possible, think about some nice little thing that will remind your baby of home. This could be a soft toy (it’s so nice to fall asleep with it!), familiar food in a small container (preferably not very dirty - a carrot or an apple will do). Or you might want to make a good luck charm for your baby - for example, a small flat toy that you can always carry in a pocket or on a lanyard. When her little owner is sad, let him remember the “magic talisman”, and it will certainly help to cope with gloomy thoughts.

Unusual food

Remember your childhood - probably in your kindergarten there was some special “masterpiece” of local chefs that gave you not the most pleasant feelings. The notorious milk foam, jelly, milk porridge or onion soup - everyone has their own memories. Sometimes educators try too zealously to feed their charges, demanding that they eat every last crumb, at a fast pace - this is also not something everyone can do.

Exit

If your baby flatly refuses to eat in kindergarten, agree with the teachers so that they do not insist on this process. After all, no child has ever voluntarily died of starvation. At home, in front of the garden, it is quite possible to do without breakfast - there is a greater chance that by the time breakfast in the kindergarten the baby will have time to get hungry and want to try something from the common table.

If, according to gardening rules, a child is allowed to take some food from home, then let it be beautifully cut fruits (apples, pears), vegetables (cucumber or carrots), and a banana will do. Try not to give your child sweets like candy or cookies; these delicacies, of course, can comfort you at first, but will cause an unhealthy stir in the group and completely ruin your appetite.

Unloved teacher

This is a serious problem, and ideally it would be good to solve it before the child enters kindergarten. It’s not for nothing that psychologists recommend that before placing a child in a particular institution, be sure to get acquainted not only with the head and the set of toys in the group, but also (which is much more important!) with the future teacher. She will be the one who will spend most of the time with your child. Sometimes it happens that children literally fly at full speed to one teacher, but don’t even want to approach another, they huddle close to their mother.

Exit

First, find out why your baby doesn’t like the teacher. This is not so easy to do, because not always a small child can talk about his impressions and experiences. But special games will come to your aid. In the evening, in a calm environment, play with your child in kindergarten with a set of plush animals or plastic men. You will learn a lot of interesting details for yourself! Let the child choose a role for himself - whether he will play for himself, for his “classmate” or for that same teacher.

When you understand the meaning of the conflict, try discussing it with your teacher. If after this no positive changes occur (the teacher mistreats the child, does not hear him, allows other children to tease and offend your child), then the situation, alas, is a dead end. You will have to think about changing kindergarten or group. Moreover, in this case it is preferable to change the kindergarten than the group, since in any team there is a certain corporate ethics - including in the kindergarten.

A stranger among his own

Sometimes it happens that a child, for some reason, does not fit into the children's group, continuing to keep to himself. This may be an individual characteristic - each child simply has different needs for communication, some need to communicate more, others need to get by with a minimum of “business connections”. But if your child has not found his niche in the children’s group for a year, and has spent all this time as if “behind a glass wall”, only observing the child’s life, you should consult a psychologist - this may indicate autistic character traits.

Exit

If it is difficult for a child to make friends with peers, you will have to, as always, take matters into your own hands. Try to gradually expand your social circle (both yours and your children’s). Observe which of your child's classmates is the most attractive to you, and try to make friends with his parents. Invite them to visit more often. Perhaps, at first, you will have to actively participate in their games so that your “savage” can gradually join them himself.

Another important moment of the transition period is to accustom the baby to the idea that it is not always only with his mother that he can be comfortable and interesting. Ask your dad or grandma to come up with an exciting game with your child in your absence. A good option is an early development studio, where children gradually join the children's team without losing touch with their mother. Other children and their games should be, from your point of view, a very attractive and enjoyable activity. Draw your child’s attention to how fun and interesting the children are together, how well they play.

What not to do

Give in to persuasion and provocation. If, despite all the children's moans and pitiful lamentations, you still brought your child to the doors of the kindergarten, but at the last moment your parental heart could not stand it and you turned back with your child - this is a very dangerous path. The baby will understand that with tears and screaming he can achieve what he wants, and next time he will only have to slightly increase the volume and intensity of the crying.
Take your child to kindergarten every other day or a couple of times a week. In order for kindergarten to become an inevitable reality, the baby must appear there every day (of course, except for weekends). It's better to take him out of there early at first. It's okay if you don't leave him there for naps during the first weeks or even months. Only when the child has fully adapted to the new living conditions, try to pick him up after his nap.
You yourself are afraid of separation from your child. Children are unusually sensitive. At some subconscious level, all our emotions are transmitted to them - both anxiety and calmness. A heartbreaking scene of tears in the locker room is not the best way to start your baby's day. Let your child go with the confidence that he will be okay.

Inessa Smyk

I would like to note right away: I am against visiting the garden until the age of three. This is my professional point of view. Therefore, everything that we will talk about next is applicable for children over three years old. So, here are the possible reasons:

The house doesn't let go

The first option is the parents’ fear for the child (he will be sick, he will be too weak physically, the teachers there will not take care of him as needed, and the like). The second is the negative parental experience of visiting the kindergarten in childhood. And the parent subconsciously sends this internal perception to the child. “This is a terrible place, but you have to go there,” the mother seems to be conveying to the child. "Will not go!" - the healthy psyche of the child screams. The third is the fear of the mother’s authenticity. Often in the case of younger children, when the stage of annoying childhood ends in the family, the mother begins to be afraid, unconsciously. All this time she was a young mother who took care of a small child, and now he is going to kindergarten, and she has fears about whether she will be needed (“who will I be without a child”).

All this can influence the child’s internal decision. “It’s better if I stay at home, mom will be calmer this way,” the child feels. “Mom won’t worry about me, I won’t go to a scary place, if I leave home, trouble will happen” - the last fear is typical of overly responsible children.

The house is pushing

But how can a parent’s active desire to send a child to kindergarten prevent him from wanting to attend this kindergarten? But everything is the same. And in this case, the child is forced to cope not only with his own emotions and experiences, but also with the experiences of his parents. In fact, parents unconsciously convey to the child: grow up quickly, prove to the whole world that we are good parents. When parental self-esteem is directly related to the child's achievements and success, this becomes an impossible task for the child. This often happens to older or only children. In this sense, life is easier for the younger ones. When such pressure arises, the child loses a sense of security from what is happening, anxiety grows, and he wants to hide in a familiar safe place. “What if I can’t handle it? I’d rather sit at home,” he feels.

Have you ever jumped with a parachute? No? Then just try to imagine. There's a difference between jumping on your own and being pushed out of a plane. Just imagine this. An “innocent” push in the back can have a very serious impact on the child’s entire development. There is a simple rule: calling is possible and necessary, pushing is not. First, you need to understand your own motives and not hang your experiences on your child. Sometimes just realizing that it is there, “these are my cockroaches, they are there, but you don’t have to react,” saves the situation. Then the child has a choice.

It is worth having escape routes: grandmothers, nannies, girlfriends. A hopeless situation worsens the child's condition. If you plan to go to work, first adapt to the garden, and then go to work. The most sociable child needs time to adapt. It is important to remember that for a child, kindergarten is a new level of relationship. This is the time when the child receives an answer to the questions: “how will I relate to the world and myself?” The baby takes behavior patterns from adults, but learns them in communication with children. And here it is important not to forget about this importance; you need to make it clear to the child that he himself is busy with an important task, and we, adults, understand this. This is not “mommy is busy, so you’ll go to the garden” - that’s wrong. That's right - “while you are busy with important things, I can go to work.”

Child is not ready for kindergarten

A story from practice. Anya, 5 years old, flatly refuses to go to her favorite activity - dancing - in the garden. On the day when there is dancing, she does not want to go to the garden at all. I practically turned the whole kindergarten inside out to find out the reason - the teacher, the teacher, and the director. Everyone was cooperative, everyone wanted to help. It turned out that Anyuta couldn’t… fasten her beautiful new shoes. Pride did not allow me to ask for help, and my desire to shine did not allow me to wear my old ones. Hence the tears. Conclusion: the better the child’s self-care skills, the easier the adaptation is. The key word here is “comfortable” - put on, put away, fasten. A poorly fastened zipper causes aggression in the teacher. An adult is angry at the lightning, and not at the child, but the baby does not see the difference! For him it’s “Auntie doesn’t love me.” And the teacher can understand: problems with lightning once are not a problem, but 15 times in 15 children are a problem. One teacher told me about a couture scarf on a girl that made her think of Isadora Duncan. A child is running around the playground in a long, fluttering scarf, and the teacher is worried that the scarf is about to get caught on something and suffocate the baby.

Remember, a child without you is different, behaves differently than with you. The baby, decorously performing in a white overalls with her grandmother on the right hand and her mother on the left, in their absence, takes a running start and dives with pleasure into the first dirty puddle she comes across. Remember, luxury clothing is not for the garden. Take one day and observe your child from the point of view of his willingness to do everything himself (like in the garden). Try to make everything comfortable. It is necessary that nothing interferes with him, nothing scratches him. Your son may be eager to go home because he feels uncomfortable in the new T-shirt, and he wants to take it off and put on an old, homely, soft one.

The kindergarten is not ready for the child’s special needs

Problems with refusing to go to the garden may be related to the garden itself. Because the kindergarten is not ready for your child’s special needs. Take, for example, hypersensitivity to noise. There are children (and not only children, but also adults) who do not tolerate high level noise. I know several managers whose rapid careers were explained by the desire to quickly get a separate office and move out of open space.

Also, for example, there is a peculiarity - intolerance to unauthorized touches. If an employee of the company where you work starts pushing, grabbing or biting you, you will at least be surprised. In the adult world this is unacceptable, but in the children's world it is commonplace. And the teacher’s words “don’t come near him, he’s gentle with us” do not help the child establish relationships with other children. He is ready and willing to play and push and participate in games, but in control of the process. He is not against communication, he is against the fact that touching and such actions happen suddenly and without his consent. With such a child, the teacher needs to spell out the rules of behavior in the game: you can grab the hand, but you can’t grab the braid. And the child must be prepared for what will happen now.

There are children who cannot sleep in gardens. There are adults who don’t sleep in other people’s houses – what kind of children do you think they grew up from? They need their own safe space. For them, sleep is an intimate process. Such children will willingly play, walk, and so on, but will not sleep in the garden.

Another recurring characteristic of some children that can cause problems with the garden is that there are children who are constantly experiencing cognitive hunger. They need something constantly happening around them, they need a situation of active development - performances, games, and so on. And if adults don’t organize it, they organize it for themselves (see “Problem Child 1 and 2”). “We can’t keep up with your child,” teachers say in such cases. These children do not fight, they simply constantly involve other children in various activities that teachers do not have time to monitor.

Parents of such children need to remember: this is not a problem, but a feature of the child. There is no need to redo it to adapt your baby to the garden. We need to look for a kindergarten and teachers who are ready to accept and take into account these features.

Be careful with any value judgments regarding your child. If teasing and some negative nicknames or definitions of a child are clear to everyone, that is bad, but positive assessments (“helper, calm boy, serious girl, good organizer, and so on”) are just as dangerous.

A story from practice. Vanya, 6 years old. He flatly refuses to go to the garden. Mom takes me to the wall of glory at their house, hung with certificates and filled with cups. The child is a leader everywhere, successful, everyone loves him. Mom is perplexed: “Others have problems, but what are ours?” Indeed, the boy has the qualities of a leader, organizes an interesting life for the group in the garden, games and the like. And everyone, including teachers, expects this from him without fail. The child practically went to kindergarten as if he were going to work. Let me remind you once again that for harmonious development, a child must try himself in areas and spheres in which he is not strong, and develop them. How can you try something new that you are not yet successful at, when you are constantly asked to demonstrate success? In the case of Vanya, it turned out that Vanya fell in love and tried to do something that he had never done and could not do - write poetry. He was not allowed to write poetry in the garden - they expected active games and organization from him, they watched what he was doing, he was visible all the time, and he was embarrassed. Therefore, he sat down at home, locked himself in a room, covered himself with Pushkin and began to write poetry. Imagine: a six-year-old boy locked himself in a room, closed the door with a closet, and refused to go into the garden.

And I’ll tell you what advice I gave to his mother: well, let the child write a poem already! Children have the right to be different.

Not everyone's first visit to kindergarten goes smoothly. Some babies calmly adapt to the new environment and after two weeks stay for the whole day, others just can’t get used to it. They cry incessantly and get sick endlessly. Experts will tell you what to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten, what to do when he bursts into tears, and solve the problem without harm to the family and the baby.

Today there are no restrictions in choosing a preschool educational institution. Mom and dad can explore potential institutions located nearby in advance to make the baby’s stay within their walls convenient and comfortable. You can choose a kindergarten at your own discretion.

You need to make sure that the preschooler will feel comfortable and calm there, just like at home. Parents can take their baby to the kindergarten several times and watch his reaction. If he chooses the kindergarten himself, adaptation will be easier.

Why visit kindergarten

The institution has a positive effect on the development and education of a small member of society. Communication with other children and adults will help in the future. It will be easier for him to attend school and communicate with colleagues in adulthood.

It is better to start preparing your son or daughter to attend kindergarten several months in advance, but even then problems with adaptation arise. If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, what to do and whether to take him to a preschool institution, parents must decide for themselves.

At the moment of addiction, children often get sick. If parents can do without a preschool educational institution, they have the right to make this decision. You need to understand that children who did not attend kindergarten subsequently have difficulty getting used to school.

Adaptation period

In the first days, crying in children when visiting an institution is considered normal. As a rule, children stay in the garden and calm down for an hour. Moms and dads should help the baby cope with emotions and figure out why he is crying.

If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, Komarovsky, the author of famous television programs and books about children’s health, advises that they gradually get used to the preschool institution.

When a mother takes her son or daughter to kindergarten in the morning and leaves them there for the whole day, despite crying, this can have a bad effect on the kids’ psyche. It is necessary to increase the time spent in kindergarten every day: First leave for two hours, then until the afternoon nap and until dinner. Each new stage can be started after the previous one has been successfully completed. If the baby does not have breakfast, then it is unreasonable to leave him in the institution until lunch.

When you first visit the garden, you need to talk to him, ask him how his day went, what he ate and learned. This will allow you to better cope with stress.

It is necessary to encourage the child for new achievements. You can praise him. These simple steps will help you cope with hysterics and tears.

Reasons for refusal

As a rule, children are sent to institutions from the age of two. The period of adjustment rarely goes smoothly. Children are used to being with their parents during the day; they do not want to be separated from them.

If a child categorically refuses to go to kindergarten, he worries that he is among strangers in an unfamiliar environment. His daily routine changes, so tears and hysterics are inevitable. The baby hopes that his mother will not leave him in kindergarten and will take him home.

The reasons why a child refuses to go to kindergarten are the following:

Fear of separation from mom.
Feelings before visiting an unfamiliar institution.
Feeling lost.

Children are different, and each of them reacts to the situation in their own way. Psychologists recommend preparing the baby for separation so that tears do not turn into hysterics.

Problems in a child care facility

It seems to adults that children are capricious and therefore do not want to stay in the garden. In fact, it is difficult for them to tolerate a change of environment. Sometimes there are problems of the following nature:

A preschooler may refuse to go to kindergarten every day, throwing tantrums.

What should parents do?

Moms and dads need to stay with their children longer, even if they can’t reduce their working hours. The baby must understand that his parents love him. We need to find a special approach to both our son and our daughter. If you spend more time with your children, interest them and pay attention to them, there should be no problems with going to kindergarten. While relaxing with them, parents also gain strength and are charged with positive energy.

If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, you do not need to yell at him to force him to go there. It is necessary to understand what is happening. Perhaps, having found the cause of the difficulties, parents will want to radically change something and make the life of their son or daughter joyful and happy.

You can prepare your baby for the new regime in advance. If your baby is a night owl, you need to gradually shift your sleep schedule. For example, on the first day, put him to bed half an hour earlier. The next day - a few minutes earlier. This will help your baby get up better in the morning. A sleep-deprived preschooler will behave restlessly in an unusual place.

It is advisable to buy your baby a soft toy he likes., which will accompany him everywhere. It’s good if you can agree with the management about the opportunity to attend kindergarten with one of the parents in the first days. This way the preschooler will quickly get used to the new place.

Adult mistakes

There are parents who do not want to hear the cries of their baby and feel sorry for him. After arriving at the garden, they decide to return home. You can't do that. Next time the baby’s dissatisfaction will increase, and then it will be possible to forget about a successful trip to the child care facility.

You cannot take a preschooler to kindergarten every other time. He needs to develop a certain routine. The child must understand that going to kindergarten is like going to work.

Parents themselves must behave calmly. If the baby sees tears in his mother's eyes, he will not remain in the group without problems.

Among experts, the topic of getting used to the garden is common. Advice and recommendations from psychologists:

You can tell your child how much fun it is in kindergarten and get him interested. Adaptation will be better if another family member to whom the baby is not so attached - for example, grandma or dad - takes him there. It is necessary to ensure that the addiction takes place calmly and does not disturb the child’s psyche.

Attention, TODAY only!

Kindergartens are very useful institutions for society as a whole and every family with small children. In them, children acquire communication skills in a team, become more independent, are prepared for school, and mothers get the opportunity to realize themselves in the professional sphere and improve the financial situation of the family if it has been shaken during maternity leave.

However, some kids take going to kindergarten literally with hostility, and every day getting ready for kindergarten turns into a war - with quiet whimpering or loud hysterics. There is no need to give up kindergarten - “non-kindergarten” children do not go through the necessary stage of development and adapt much worse at school. The problem can be solved by identifying the reason why the child does not want to go to kindergarten, knowing what to do and following the advice of a psychologist.

Main reasons

Reason #1. Adaptation

The beginning of “kindergarten” life and joining the children’s group with its strict routine and rules changes the child’s entire way of life. Instead of a mother - a teacher, instead of favorite toys - unfamiliar children around and classes on a schedule, instead of the usual food - the creations of kindergarten cooks with the need to eat it all. Some children do it quickly, others find it more difficult - they cry, ask to go home, refuse to eat and may even get sick.

Solutions

Remember, even adults find it difficult to adapt to a new team, so don’t throw your child into a “new life” like into an ice hole. Soften the period of adaptation, make it smoother. The kindergarten staff will definitely help you with this. Find out the schedule and menu in the kindergarten in advance and get as close to them as possible at home long before your first visit to the garden. During walks, come to the kindergarten, play with the children on the playground, you can also arrange a preliminary excursion to the group to captivate and interest the child.

It is best to send a child to kindergarten at 3-4 years old, in a group of the same newcomers; at an earlier age he is too attached to his mother, at a later age he will be forced to adapt to an already established team.

During your first visits to the kindergarten, leave your child for an hour or two, then start picking him up after a morning walk, after lunch, and so on. Watch the baby - this period may take a different time for each baby, do not rush events, but also do not allow yourself to be manipulated by leaving him at home.

The same should be done when moving and moving to a new garden - adaptation will be shorter in time, but with the same stages. To make it easier for your child, teach him a new interesting game that he can play with the guys - this will help him get used to it faster.

An important point - strictly follow the regime, put your child to bed on time - without enough sleep, he will be in a bad mood in the morning and whine, not wanting to go to the garden.

Particularly sensitive babies can be given a “helper” or a “piece of home” with them - this could be a soft toy, some kind of small amulet in their pocket that will support the baby until the mother returns.

Reason #2. Food and sleep

The food in kindergartens is simple and standard - soups, cereals, omelettes, casseroles, jelly, compotes. Not all children like it, and besides, when preparing “culinary masterpieces” in large quantities, anything is possible - the porridge burns, the onions float in the soup in large slippery flakes. The child refuses to eat, but the teacher insists: you need to eat everything, porridge with lumps, milk with foam, quickly and without whims. They use persuasion, threats, and long periods of sitting at the table when all the children have already gone for a walk. It is clear that such daily torture does not increase the desire to go to the garden.

The same is with daytime sleep - some 5-6 year old children no longer need it, and the teacher requires them to lie quietly and with their eyes closed.

Solutions

Force feeding is one of the deepest psychological traumas that can be experienced in childhood. The task of parents is to avoid this themselves and to protect their child as much as possible from such situations in kindergarten. Talk to the teacher, clearly explaining your position: you cannot force your child to eat, even if he eats poorly or eats little. Let him eat as much as he can - you will have no complaints. Even a “little one” will eat at least something in company with classmates. Do not feed your baby in the morning so that he “works up an appetite” for breakfast, do not give sweets with you.

The situation with sleep can also be resolved peacefully: if it is possible to pick up the child before bed, take him; if not, try to agree that he will quietly draw or just lie down, but without sharp demands to fall asleep.

Reason No. 3. Lack of independence

It is difficult in kindergarten for children who have been overprotected, not given the opportunity not only to express their opinions, but also to acquire the necessary self-care skills. Other children may laugh at them, teachers are also dissatisfied with the “hoarders” or “dirties” who require a lot of extra attention when dressing or eating, and the child himself can express his desires with whims, which also does not contribute to “joining the team.”

Try to reduce the amount of your care and guardianship even before visiting the kindergarten, take your child to playgrounds, clubs and early development studios, allow. If a problem has already arisen, practice self-care skills with your child at home - in a playful way “conquer the naughty spoon”, “subdue buttons and laces”, be sure to make sure that the child washes his hands well and knows how to use a handkerchief.

Reason No. 4. Educators

There are 2 possible situations here:

the teacher is biased towards the child, rarely praises and often scolds him, speaks negatively about his behavior and abilities in the presence of other children;
It’s boring in the garden, the activities are monotonous and uninteresting.

It is sometimes very difficult to identify such situations - the baby will not tell you directly about what is bothering him. Go from the other side: bring situations from your childhood, stories of your familiar children, “I was often scolded by the teacher in childhood...”, “A girl I know complains that kindergarten is not interesting, they play on their own...”, play with toys “Day in garden” - in the child’s answers and behavior during the game you will definitely “find” the problem.

If the teacher is aggressive and undeservedly punishes children, the problem must be solved together with other parents by contacting the kindergarten administration. However, surprisingly, some children may adore the same teacher, while others may quietly hate them. If, in general, the teacher treats children well, does not yell at them, does not humiliate them, and the lessons are interesting, then a conflict is possible with your child. In this case, it is incorrect to “jump over your head” and go straight to the administration; talk to the teacher first - do not behave aggressively or ingratiatingly, try to conduct a constructive dialogue and draw up a joint action plan to overcome the impasse. Typically, educators welcome the active participation of parents in the child’s life and are happy to meet them halfway.

If the response is negative and a common language cannot be achieved, it is better to transfer the child to another group or kindergarten. The same should be done if the teachers are unprofessional, do little with the children, and the children in the group are left to their own devices.

Reason No. 5. Conflicts with children

A child in kindergarten may be teased for peculiarities of appearance or behavior, for inept actions, for sneaking and whims.

A child can voice his grievances, but more often he remains stubbornly silent, withdraws into negativism and refuses to go to kindergarten without explanation. You can identify the problem in the same way as in the previous case - in a roundabout way, in conversation or during a game.

There is no need to directly “showdown” with offenders - this is unethical, because you will not fight with preschoolers, and often it is pointless - the hail of ridicule can only intensify.

Help your child in a different way: keep his appearance clean and tidy, work on self-care skills, teach counting rhymes and games that will captivate other children, “unearth” your child’s talents - drawing, sculpting, singing, reading poetry - and with the help teacher, give him the opportunity to demonstrate his skills - his classmates will see him completely differently. At first, the most effective ways to deal with “name calling” are to sincerely laugh with the offenders, ignoring ridicule and “excuses”, for example, “Whoever calls names is called that himself.”

Rare causes

There are many other, individual or situational reasons: from serious ones - the child is aggressive, shy, withdrawn, hyperactive, to simpler ones - the child is often sick, he simply manipulates his parents to stay at home, he quarreled with a friend, or he simply does not like or is uncomfortable with his clothes. kindergarten - a lot of fasteners, difficult to put on and take off, too elegant and the baby is afraid of getting it dirty.

In these cases, parents will have to conduct a real investigation to identify the reason for their reluctance to go to kindergarten, and then call on all their pedagogical and psychological talents and solve the problem, taking into account the characteristics of their baby.

Work on mistakes

Avoid common mistakes that, for any reason, a child refuses kindergarten, only aggravate the problem.

It is forbidden:

show your baby your anxiety;
scare kindergarten;
deceive the baby - by calling the time of your arrival, keep your promise;
allow manipulation, succumb to persuasion;
criticize the kindergarten or its workers in front of the child.

As you can see, the reasons why a child does not want to go to kindergarten are quite varied. Correctly identifying them is already half the solution. Do not distance yourself from the baby, try to create and maintain a trusting relationship with him - this will help both in identifying the causes and in solving the problem. The most important thing is not to resort to radical measures and do not completely abandon kindergarten, depriving the child of opportunities for socialization and development.